Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Some Thoughts.

Now that I am a week away from returning to school I am feeling a real mix of emotions. I am feeling guilty that I will be leaving the kids to go to school because I am so happy that I will have some productive time to myself. I am starting to feel the veil of depression I have been feeling dissipate; for a little bit I have been very apathetic and I am at a crossroads where I feel like I know I am happy but at the same time I’m not quite there yet.

Every time I go out with the kids, I am shocked about how many people tell me how great of a father I am. I find it hard to believe to be honest. On Sunday, Liam and I went to a beach party for a kid from his class. At one point while the kids were off playing in the water, the boys grandma took me aside and said, “you know you are such an amazing father. You are doing great with them.” I all I try to do is learn from my mistakes; I learn from them how to be a good dad. I honestly don’t know what I am doing. At least I’m honest about it.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I'm Going Back

It's been a while since I've made a post.  That is because I haven't been able to enroll in any classes for a while. I guess when I look back I made a mistake. Of course, I always told myself that it was right, but that still doesn't change the mistake. Last time I was in school, Silva was still pregnant with Ben. I was only taking 3 classes but with the due date being around the same time as finals, I got really scared. I was doing really good in my math class and had already passed the other two classes with A's but with no time to study and after a couple trips to the hospital, I freaked out and dropped my math class. I kept telling myself that I had to have an B and that if I don't withdrawal and take the final, I would have a C and I didn't want to ruin my GPA. Unfortunately, the previous semester I was on academic probation. By withdrawing from a course my GPA was not hurt because I was passing but my course completion rate dropped below federal standards and I was unable to receive any financial aid. I felt I needed to be there for Silva but in reality I was just abandoning myself. I fell into the same pattern I had in high school. In high school, I would always get too stressed about school and, come test time, I would freak out and instead of studying I would find any excuse to do something else and find any excuses to get out of it. Like what happened with the MEAP the last year I took it. One of my teachers had mentioned something about the MEAP being voluntary and after doing the first part I came back the next day and told my counselor I did not want to finish the tests. So, I didn't . Now, I always wonder how I would have done had I finished it and if I would have qualified for the scholarship. But I will never know , all because I panicked. My wife today surprised me, while I was reading my kids to sleep, she logged on and signed me up for my class so I can finish it and go back next fall. Of course, now i'm freaking out but from now on I won't let it stop me from doing what I want to do.