Masculinity and the Dad Community

One overall theme I see in the various Dad groups I am in is occasional slamming of moms and the media that don't understand what Stay At Home Dads do. I'm not saying that moms are being wrongfully attacked but I see lots of talk about how, "If only the moms on the playground knew I was a good guy" or "Look at me playing with my kids as well as your kids while you sit on your phone and ignore them." I see this talk often and in a lot of aspects it is true. Many times I have been on the playground and I have been ignored by the mom groups or I was the one playing while the kid's mom was sitting in the car. But there is one thing that isn't talked about. The problem of men. Yes, men. If there is one group that really doesn't understand what SAHDs go through it is men. Whether it is the occasional, "What do you even do all day," or "Why don't you get a real job?" comments we are always being judged and made fun off by our fellow man. There is this expectation to masculinity that is becoming an issue for me. Why is it that because I like to shop or because I love to play with my kids and take them to the park make me less of a man?

What Emma Watson said in her speech is dead on. The problem is not that women need to be more manly but that we as men have set the bar so high that anyone that isn't man enough to reach it isn't worthy of being called a man. Even in the SAHD community there are dads that still stick with the whole "Bro" attitude. They make masochistic comments, share photos of women and do everything in their power to emasculate any man that goes outside of the male stereotype by doing women duties or discussing women topics. Kitchen cleaning and minivans are not for these guys. I remember one time when I brought up a discussion on buying tampons for my wife and how I am completely comfortable buying them. Everyone else in the group was fine with it except one guy that was so disgusted that we would ever buy tampons only proved that we "must be buying them for our own vagina." This kind of talk is nothing new to men but it is a problem none the less. How can women be equal to us in the workplace and at home if we, as men, continue to put each other down when we are doing "women's work."

This need to prove our masculinity is a growing problem in America. If a women complains about being checked out, slut shamed or cat called she is simply told, "We're men, get over it." This has been used multiple time in some dad groups. And every time there is someone that says, "it's OK we are all guys here" and it is immediately followed by someone else saying, "Doesn't change the fact we need to be respectful." Of course, that is only in the good groups. There are some groups out there that don't care about what others say. They sit there and belittle women with no one telling them to stop. How can we expect the world to treat us like regular people when we act like teenagers behind doors? How can we expect to raise boys to respect women when we treat them like crap behind theirs backs? We need to unite as one and stop acting like we must "Man Up" and "act like a man" and treat women as if they are our own daughters. We must stop putting each other down and rise up together as great dads and caregivers. Our kids future depends on it. Forget being Masculine, I'm just going to be the best man I can be. If that means changing diapers and buying tampons then that is what I will do.

That all being said the online dad community is filled with the nicest most giving people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Without question they give of themselves completely to help anyone in the group that needs it. Recently a dad that was homeless came forward to ask for help so he could get a cheap hotel until he gets paid and they can find a place and right away many guys stepped forward to try and help him find a place to stay. I have seen dads pulled back from depression because of the help they received. I have seen guys ask the most deepest and personal questions you can think of and he is always answered without judgement. This dad community in my opinion rises above the male masculinity stereotype and not just because they raise kids but because they are genuinely great guys that believe in equality of men and women, 

My Scariest Day as a Father

I was sitting with my, then 2 year old son Ben when I decide I was getting bored and wanted to sit at the computer. Since summer was over, it was my first week alone with the other kids in school and Ben at home. We had never had this much alone time and over the summer I had grown accustom to the older kids helping me keep an eye on him. It was the second day of school that year and our second day of being alone. I had done so many activities the day before, I ran out of ideas, so we watched TV instead. He was enjoying the show so I figured I could get away for a little bit and, seeing as the computer is in the same room as the TV, I figured it would be fine.

I don’t know how long I messed around on Facebook but I heard the laundry stop so I went into the laundry room to fold what was done drying. After about 5 minutes in there, I finished folding, went back into the living room and sat right back on the computer. I didn't even check on my 2 year old, I just went back to typing a comment. My friends were discussing Fight Club; obviously I had to join in the conversation. That is when I heard the blood chilling scream from upstairs. I jumped from my seat and I see him crying at the top of the stairs; blood steadily dripping from his hand as he makes his way down to me. I pick him up and see he has a cut between his thumb and his index finger. I can see white inside and as I take a good look at it, blood shoots out as if from a small squirt gun. I think back to all those cop/war/medical dramas and I put pressure on it praying that is what I am actually supposed to do and not making it worse. I am running around the house looking for something to grab when I see an apple sitting in the living room with the sharpest knife we own stuck through it. I knew exactly what had happened. We had just finished lunch and after I cleaned up I left the knife from cutting apples sitting on the counter. After running around for a minute as the blood is dripping and spraying everywhere I get my head together and finally find a new roll of paper towels and an Ace bandage. I wrapped his hand in it to at least stop the blood from dripping everywhere.

 He is still crying harder than he ever has and with every breath he takes I am praying he takes another. I can’t stop thinking about all those parents, I heard about as a kid, that walked away for 2 minutes from their babies and next they they knew the kid was in a well or taken or attacked or any other tragic that can take your child from you forever. I rushed him to the van, calling my wife an mother praying one of them will be able to pick up the other kids from school, and proceeded to strapped him into the car seat and rush to the hospital. As I got down the street he went quiet; I feared the worst had happened when I notice he was only asleep, I could feel his pulse racing as I raced every light to the hospital. For the rest of the drive I had one hand on the wheel and one on his chest, making sure he was still breathing. I couldn't stop thinking about what could have happened. I kept going to the worst scenario; He could have died while I wasn't looking and I was too “busy” to check on him. I has too lost in my own world of Facebook and acting like I am a great father to even notice my child was about to stab himself with a knife.

Turns out he missed all the important stuff and just needed stitches. My son was okay, but I was not. I kept thinking I was a bad father and that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a dad. I imagined what would happen if he had died; I saw the cops arresting me thinking I had done it on purpose, my wife going emotionally and financially bankrupt, my kids growing up knowing their dad had killed their little brother. The fear and mistrust that would always follow them for the rest of their lives. I saw my whole families future destroyed all because I just had to do one more comment and let all my friends know how much I like the movie Fight Club. I just had to read one more status; play one more game. I realized that to be a good father isn't just being in the room with your child. It means interacting with them no matter how bored you become. It means keeping them close even when you have to leave the room you must always know where they are and dangers are around them. It means showing them how much you love them at all times even when they do something they should not be doing. It means being a dad; especially at those time when you don’t want to be one. I’m not going to say I have changed a lot since this happened but it has done one thing for me; it has made me be more attentive and to pay more attention to him. As far as Ben goes he hasn't change much; in fact he gets in to things on a regular basis. He is now 3 and is just as wild if not more so…But I can say I have never seen him with that super sharp knife again.

Conversations With My Kids: Liam Says I Am Fat

Liam: Wow! You have actually gotten fatter, Dad.
Me <looks in mirror>: What do you mean?
Liam: Since the last time I saw you. Your fat used to hang here <gestures below his tummy> but now it is hanging here <gestures near his knees>
Me: What? When was the last time you "saw me"? <feeling like crap>
Liam: Yesterday. Before you ate split pea soup and starting farting all the time.

Changes and the Things to Come.

It's been a while since I have posted I. My blog but there is a decent reason why. This past June I moved with my from Michigan to New Jersey. As a result, I have been to busy getting things sorted and getting into a whole new routine that seems to change on me everyday. As a result I have been depressed and somedays unable to cope with the changes. I miss my family; my daughter,my mom, my dad, my sister, my little nephew John, my friend Ian and many more people that I may have taken for granted when I was living in Michigan. After all most people that stay in one place for their entire life become content with the people and places around them. Sure I have a clean slate here in New Jersey but it's difficult to come to terms with the differences in my daily life. I struggle everyday getting used to handling 3 kids as opposed to the day being just me and my 3 year old. I have been lucky to spend a little time with the great guys if the NYC Dads group but they are just a little too far away for me to go into NYC every other day.

As some of my regular reader, if there are any, may know that last year I won a scholarship to the 18th Annual At-Home Dads Convention and had an amazing time. After the convention I started dedicating my free time to help with the National At-Home Dad Network, I have written for their blog, helped with the fundraising committee and helped with the scholarship committee. I had a main goal of helping make the scholarship grow more than it has ever done. Without having away any information since the network hasn't announced the winners or anything I can say that I have succeeded in this goal. Unfortunately, there is one goal I have not been able to fulfill, saving my own money to attend the 19th Annual At-Home Dad Convention this year. I began by spending cash and saving all my ones and change. I would not spend those. Over time I started to add 5s here or there and my saving started to grow big time. In a few months I had saved over 150 dollars. But then the move came and I was forced to use those savings. I have not been able to recover since. With the convention getting closer and closer and looking at our future finances it is obvious that I won't be able to go unless I can somehow raise the money. At the behest of my good friend, whom is going but wants me there too, I created a GoFundMe campaign to help raise the money needed to attend the convention. 

This convention is really special to me in so many ways. The guys that run it are all people I hold dear as close friends. When I am down they are there to help me. When I need advice they have all been there or are going through the same thing. The convention offers so much for any dad, whether it be an at home dad or a working dad, there are some great things to help you learn to be an even better dad. I came away from the convention last year feeling refreshed and feeling like I can handle it all. Now I need that refresher. I need that reminder that there are other guys just like me that all have some story that is different yet still the same. 

I have been lucky to raise over $100 so far but that just isn't enough to get me there. If you can donate anything, even a dollar please do it! If you are afraid someone may see your donation then you can donate anonymously and not have to worry about that. All I ask is that you consider something.

Apraxia Awareness

So today is Apraxia awareness day. A lot of you may not know but my daughter Gabi has apraxia. When she reached the age of 3 and 4 when she should be talking she wasn't saying much at all. Mostly she just made noises and tried to indicate what she wanted. Many people would mistake her for being autistic or mentally challenged in some form but I knew she understood everything. When school started, the teachers suggested so each therapy so we had an IEP set up and she has been doing that ever since. There didn't seem to be much progress for a few years so we took her to an ENT specialist who suggest tubes in her ears. After the surgery we noticed big changes. We thought this would cure all the issues; at this point we didn't know about the apraxia. She stay in speech therapy and kept improving but she seemed to hit a wall and was making slow progress. It was then, about 2 years ago when she was 10 that I found  out about apraxia. Had I know about apraxia earlier we would have  been able to give her more attention. That being said lately she was grown so much in her vocabulary. She has good grades and has proved she is smart kid and is capable in spite of this one drawback. I am really proud of her progress, even when he says a phrase that makes absolutely no sense I know she is still trying. I want to the thank the teachers and staff at Webber Elementary in Lake Orion, MI for doing a great job in helping Gabi progress and always pushing her succeed.

If you know some one who has Apraxia please share your story today and help people understand that just because they can't say it doesn't mean they don't know it.

Mother's Day: A Day For Moms...Not Dads.

It's that time a year again. Everyone begins to get all teary eyed and wish a happy mother's day to their stay at home dad. Wait, what? Yes this does happen. I know not that much but last year, I saw a number of people wishing happy Mother's Day to their male friends that take on the role as an at home parent. I have seen friends of mine post pictures of themselves holding cards and lovely flowers, saying they received a Mother's Day card. I try not to get upset about things like this but in this instance it really bothers me. Not because it offends me or puts me in an emasculated position (which it does) but because this is supposed to be a day for moms. Not dads. Working moms, at home moms, retired moms, moms you have lost, moms you may gain, moms to be and moms who have lost are all the people that should be honored on this day. Moms...Not dads.

Don't get me wrong here, what we, at home dads, do is pretty amazing. We cook, we clean, do laundry, take kids to school and the park; things that have always been associated with "motherhood." We handle every aspect of the house while our amazing wives do what needs to be done to ensure there is food in our mouths and clothes on our backs. But I ask this one simple question, Since when does Mother's Day mean Homemakers Day?

Exactly...It doesn't

To me, it seems that by giving an at home dad a Mother's Day gift you are just slapping both, moms and dads, in the face. You are saying, "Dads, you are not man enough and working moms you are not womanly enough because you don't stay at home." And that is just wrong. Moms deserve Mother's Day. It is their day to relax and forget about their problems while the kids serve them. It is a day to honor our mothers and just our mothers. At home dads have their own day, would you give a working mom a Father's Day card because she is doing a mans job?

I didn't think so.

Please don't wish a dad a happy Mother's Day. It really isn't necessary because we dads know we are doing more than dads have historically done; but what we also know is that we have amazing wives and they deserve Mother's Day...Not us.

Thoughts on Organization.

One thing I have always struggled with as an At Home Dad is the organizational stuff. Keeping a well packed diaper bag, ensuring laundry is neat & put away and making sure the kids keep their toys cleaned up have always been issues that I just can't seem to get right. There have been many time where I went a few weeks and had it all under control but then I fall back a little and seem to go right back to not caring much. Right now the laundry is mostly clean but none of it is is put away or even folded for that matter and I have been caught in public without a fresh pair of pants for my potty training 3 year old one to many times so I have decided it is time to make some changes and hope they stick.

One problem that causes me to fall behind is the stuff I volunteer with causes me to feel overwhelmed and I just shut down instead. After looking at all  I do I realized I am a pretty busy guy even though I am behind on all my endeavors I still have a lot of none house thing that keep me from being productive. I am going to start dedicating each day to one thing. On Monday I will work on this blog, Tuesday I will work on my book, Wednesday I will do something for the NAHDN blog, Thursday I will work on stuff for the convention and on Friday I will do work for the gaming site IndieLove. Saturday and Sunday will be spend with the kids and after they go to bed I will either game, watch a movie or work on the book. Now before I do any of this I will be sure that the house work is done first or I don't do it. I am really hopeful this new system will work out and I will start getting things done instead of just getting by with the minimum and never actually complete a project.

How about you? Do you struggle with this kind of stuff? Do you have a system that works for you? Let me know in the comments.